god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
