They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
