Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize