Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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