You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
