Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
