I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this just has baby written all over it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
