based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think I just sharted jello shots
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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