yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
