I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
