he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
