i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
