so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
