I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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