I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
