he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
