can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
