My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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