May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
