im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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