Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
