I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
