YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And then my night got REAL pukey
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Two words: blizzard sex
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
