Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
