Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
