He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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