To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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