i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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