he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
