Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
