I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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