3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think I just sharted jello shots
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
