maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
