My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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