Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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