His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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