addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize