Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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