I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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