Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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