Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
