Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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