I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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