We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
