Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
