Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
