I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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