At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
