I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
