he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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