Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
