somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
