It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
