check it out our google latitudes are spooning
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
