just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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