Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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