btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
