Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
