from now on my penis is your penis
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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