They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think a kid would responsible me up
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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