Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
