I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
