Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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